Heroes and Heroines Live Action Roleplay (Larp/LRP)

26 Cantria, 8978 Ta

Source: Marius The Magnificent

IMPORTANT – THIS REPORT SHOULD NOT BE READ AT ALL, ESPECIALLY BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 50, OR WITH A HEART CONDITION, NERVOUS DISPOSITION, OR EYES THEY DO NOT WISH TO GOUGE OUT!   YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, SHOULD WE MANAGE TO FIND ANY.  ALSO IT IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIED SO DON’T READ IT ANYWAY.  HONESTLY, IT’S JUST FILLED WITH A LOAD OF OLD GUFF (NUGE NUDGE, WINK, WINK).

 

We were sent into Orcatraz to kill an Orcish Warlord called Goreshanks Skullrotter.  Gorshanks is a noble and traditional Orcish leader of many Orcs and had been gaining strength across the lands leading his fearsome warband on a murderous rampage through the Orcish nations.  He had gotten himself captured and thrown into the most fearsome and high profile Orcish prison from which it was said that no one had ever escaped alive – Orcatraz!  This was all a cunning plot by Goreshanks to get access to the most viscous, bloodthirsty, criminal, and amoral orcs in the world.  This was strictly an off the table dark-ops mission.

Normally we would be content to allow Goreshanks to engage in his cultural practices unmolested, HA! who is Marius kidding, we’re the Protectorate so naturally we were going to interfere.  Also Goreshanks was being inhabited by a terrible spirit and that spirit was making him do bad stuff (like more bad than normal for an Orcish warlord, and it made him invincibly strong to boot.)  The only way to deal with this was to get the most highly effective ‘Idenian Deadly Insertion Orcish Team’ into Orcatraz, kill Gorshanks, and destroy the spirit – towards whom Strife appeared to have some previous history, and not in a nice sense [Marius assumes that the spirit is some kind of -Ex to Strife].  Marius was brought along as part of his Orcish cultural understanding programme ahead of his marriage to the beautiful amazing and goddess-like Pipsqueak. 

Marius’ Orcish cultural guides and spirit splatting team were (in no particular order, but the sexiest Goblin alive is listed first): Pipsqueak, Gurak, Bear, Strife, Snaggletooth (who for some reason was given the nickname ‘Lurgo’), and Gaite.  There were also some non-orc hangers on, in order of decreasing furriness, the Squogre Zzazzi, the Lycanthrope Lyra Blackthorn, the Tiefling Piper, and the something or other Kuranes.

We were duly teleported into somewhere, and as ordered we proceeded to kill people in the traditional Orcish manner until the local law enforcers called the White Watch caught us.  Once convicted of our crimes we would contact our mole inside Orcatraz who went by the name of Mawse. Eventually after much killing (although Bear complained he’d barely gotten started) we were all found guilty of heinous crimes and sentenced to Orcatraz, which was lucky as we needed to go there to kill the guy that we were planning to kill, and also we really were guilty of the heinous crimes – especially Marius who is definitely guilty of Public Fabulosity, oh yes he is!

Marius was found guilty and sentenced to 1000 years.  The Orcish justice system is very evolved they had judges with real wigs, bailiffs, record keeping, and clearly a very well-defined Criminal Code where their maxim is “you’z done it unless we find you’z hasn't done it.  And we ain’t looking”.   They were very impressed with Strife who proudly pleaded guilty to everything they charged him with and I think this is why he only got 4 days in prison and a job offer.  Then they slapped some manacles on us all and shoved us in our home away from home for the next few days, Orcatraz!

Once inside we approached the cell block to which we had been assigned, and here was my first time to see Orcs interacting in the wild.  Our way was barred by a group of orcs who already were in occupancy and wanted to take all our stuff in a ritual shake-down.  It was very interesting to see the Orcs unconstrained by outside influences and able to fully express their cultural heritage.  Strife, Gurak, Bear, and Snaggletooth responded to this heartfelt ritual greeting by killing them all to show we was the toughest, pinching their stuff, and taking over their cell block which was great because it gave us a good base of operations to work from.  Quickly word got about there was a new bunch of tough guys in town and a bunch of boot lickers came and offered us the keys to the gates to the lower levels in return for us doing them a bunch of favours.  Having received their offers and decided to let them all live, we slept on it and informed them that we would make a decision in the morning.

That night Kuranes really tried embrace the Orcish culture and in a good traditional Orchish style gave a sign of his deep friendship and respect towards Bear by trying to shank him with a magic knife he had traded prison favours with a local resident for.  Bear showed his affection for Kuranes by letting him live through the experience, although he did give him a cultural good kicking and then the guards gave him a good old fashioned kicking, I’m not sure if this was Orcish cultural or just prison guard bastard cultural though.

Afterwards Kuranes’ wards on his arm that said he would do no harm disappeared because he had attacked a member of the Protectorate and he felt very bad about it because he said Sweetpea would be very disappointed, but Marius is sure she knows that he was just trying to be culturally sensitive towards the subtleties of the unique culture of our hosts.

 

A note on the customs of the Orcs

the Orcish peoples have a rich and diverse culture for example they have a clearly defined morality and justice system and they clearly know the difference between good ‘uns and wrong ‘uns they also have a very physical way of say of showing affection.  For example the best way to say “hello” is to kill the strongest orc of the other tribe and take all their stuff

Bear is very good at this and demonstrated it many times, this is getting him a very big status in Orcatraz.

 

 

 

DAY TWO

Kuranes and Marius awoke early on our second day in Orcatraz and while the others were asleep Kuranes told Marius of a play that he said the King in Yellow would recite. The first half is with many players been gathered together for a feast.  In the second-half it's where the king in yellow arrives and removes his mask revealing that his tactically face and driving anyone watching mad then he kills everyone in the whole world.  I think I would have preferred if they had just eaten the feast.  I am not sure many people will come to the second performance, especially once the critics reviews come out.

He also told me about Tibor (or something like that) who is the son of the Humongous Fungus and is controlling Malice and then told me some stuff about Sweetpea, but Marius was worried poetry was going to be involved so stopped listening at that point, anyway it was wonderful Kuranes felt he could open up to Marius in this manner and share innermost thoughts and secrets.  Also Marius has met Malice and would have noticed if she was being controlled by a huge fungus, Marius is pretty sure it’s just hatred, rage, and general meaniness that is making her do all these horrible things.

As we ate our breakfast (a delicious traditional Orc cultural prison dish called “Porg” which was made by Strife) we asked our new minions about the keys we needed to get to the next level down where we might find Gorshanks.  We discovered that we needed two keys to get to the next level and the keys would have to be synchronised and turned at the same time one in a clockwise motion in one in an anti clockwise motion unfortunately many of our Orcish companions weren't certain what a clock was and what that meant so Marius took the time to explain what it meant to them.

Marius also began to worry that Kuranes wasn’t adapting well to the Orcish culture.  Some people seem to think that even when one is in foreign parts, that people should act like they are in the Protectorate, and Marius fears that Kuranes is one of these people.  The very lovely Bear, who clearly cared greatly for Kuranes (who by this stage was a nervous wreck), tried to distract him by engaging him in conversations on topics that would interest Kuranes, such as comparative religion between the Maw, and the Yellow Bellied King. To his credit Kuranes did try at this point to adapt to the local customs by engaging in traditional Orcish debating tactics, in so far as Kuranes attacked Bear several times, and because of his kindly and understanding nature, Bear didn't at any time kill him.  Bear deserves (in his own words) a fucking medal (of which Gorak said to make it pink).   Gorak also deserves a medal but not a fucking medal because he only didn't kill Kuranes once while Bear didn’t kill him several times.

 

The missions we had been asked to undertake to get the keys we so needed were (we needed to do at least 2 of them):

1. go and kill the Bloodfang clan,
2. raid the confiscated items depot and rescue some confiscated beer,
3. sing an audition song for the orcapella group. 

 

We decided not to do the singing.

First we set out to kill the Bloodfang clan so that we could get the keys to the next level we encountered some very evil beasts that were so horrifically poisonous it seemed to surprise even them, and very swiftly they killed Zzazzi and Kuranes.  While he was dead Kuranes was very quiet and peaceful I think it suits him because I believe normally he is highly anxious and that the occasional being dead probably helps calm him down.   Kuranes told me to write that he had died protecting Sweetpea’s sister - this probably explains why she also is dead.  Also he wanted to get with Zzazzi since he broke his do not do no harm vow and is worried that Sweetpea may have gone off him, but thinks that Zzazzi doesn’t really care about that sort of stuff.

 

After we resurrected them we proceeded to come across three prisoners that were trying to escape from some guards.  In a fascinating cultural event we caught the prisoners and killed two of them as a way of sucking up to the guards.  Bear told the last prisoner, whom we had captured alive, that if he could kill Bear then it would show that he was the higher culture and so could get away.  To make it fair Bear gave the prisoner his weapon, but it didn't help the prisoner at all.  Sweetpea will be unhappy that Kuranes tried to stop the whole bloodthirsty event as it shows a deep disrespect for the Orcish culture and Marius thinks Kuranes was very close minded and that an shouldn't try to interfere or change these very culturally important rituals.  As a way of thanks for Bear’s hard work the guards put us all to sleep through some magical device linked to our prison shackles, and then let us live which was very nice of them.

After we woke up again Kuranes scouted ahead and discovered the cell block of the Bloodfangs.  When Marius says “discovered” what is really meant is they captured him and were going to sacrifice him to the Maw, which was an absolutely unique opportunity and we all wanted to watch this fascinating ethnic ritual, but they wouldn't let us so we resorted to the more traditional cultural act of killing them.  Bear says this is how you say “we disagree with your decision [not to let us watch]” in Orcish.

We took news of our victory back to the Firehearts (the name of the boot lickers who wanted us to do that them favours) they were very happy with us and said they would bring us one of the keys we needed.  Kuranes was still upset and angry at Bear after the Orcish cultural event of sacrificing the prisoners, this has caused a schism between Bear and Kuranes and Bear is very upset and hurt that Kuranes is so insensitive towards his Orcish traditions and is trying to repress them.  I think Kuranes should be persuaded to apologise to Bear at some point, and maybe take some form of cultural awareness course that will help them navigate these difficult waters in the future.  Bear is very proud and sensitive about his Orcish heritage and I think Kuranes really has disrespected him.  Also Piper and Gurak have started a contest to see who can slit the most throats on this holiday – I am happy to see Piper immersing herself in the Orcish cultural experience.

There was one small issue though, the Firehearts did insist that they needed proof of our victory over the Bloodfangs, so we sent Piper back to fetch the heads of the slain orcs.  In hindsight this wasn’t the best idea as she came across some new orcs while all on her own.  The reason was this was bad news is she came running back to us, leading them right to our camp where we had to interrupt lunch to kill them.  Though it was nice of her not to keep this cultural experience to herself and to share it with us.  Afterwards we went and harvested heads in a much larger group and brought them back to the Firehearts.

 

After a lovely lunch of prison-floor scrapings we set off to retrieve the gear from the confiscated items lockup.  On our way there, while minding our own business, we met a group of orcs from the Iron Tusk tribe who wanted to hit us.  This was most a most welcome display of traditional Orcish greetings and in true Orcish custom we hit them back harder and killed them all, although one did love Strife so much that he put strife into an elixerable state.  Marius has been joining in wholeheartedly into these Orcish traditional events, and got completely stuck in during this particular ritual (As invited by Gurak who said if Marius didn’t pull his “own bloody weight” then he’d “Pull both your bloody legs off”.)  However this did not go so well for Marius since he is not as strong an orc but he was still upright at the end, even if everything was a little woozy.  While we were tending to Strife some lizards and other creatures came along and we had to drive them off having done so Pip Squeak harvested all their venom sacks to make some fantastic poisons, she's very clever and very talented and needs a pay rise.

After these beasts we were then approached by some new Orcs.  Now Marius is very open minded and accepting of the Orcish cultures and traditions and wishes to be respectful there is a limit and these Orcs were very rude by saying that the love that Pip Squeak and Marius have between them was unnatural and shouldn't be allowed so we told them “We disagree with your opinion” in the traditional Orcish manner, which is identical to “We disagree with your decision” strangely enough.  After all, love is love.

After this we found the building where the confiscated items were stored we sweet-talked the guards into letting us have a look around under the guise of being new prisoners who were trying to find their way around the place.  This of course was perfectly true, so we can't say that we lied to the guards, which disappointed Strife no end.

Strife entered the place and had a look around.  He scoped out all the valuable items and managed to rescue a bracelet and a spear, and also he also identified a pair of axes inside that were very powerful, however they were booby trapped with goodness knows what dangerous traps.  However what ever danger was held in these traps didn't matter as Gurak wanted the axes and honestly what Gurak wants, Gurak pretty much gets…  There was a complication however because the guards didn’t really understand this and wanted to stop us, but we finally managed to separate the two of them and Bear took one of them swiftly out at the same moment that a trap went off in the building, filling it with a venomous gas.  The other guard rushed in to see what was happening then tried rushing out again whereas Marius used a repulsion spell to push him back into the room where he choked to death on the gases.  Marius was very worried that this would upset his Orcish companions and would seem like a bit of cultural appropriation but Bear and Strife both agreed that it was OK for Marius to join into these cultural events and embrace the Orcish ways as it was done so from a place of understanding and respect, so that's all good.

In the end we managed to retrieve two axes, another axe, a spear, three bracelets, and two bottles of beer.  Returning the beer to its grateful owner we managed to get the second key and therefore were ready to set off to level 2. 

 

We set off to level 2 and only had to kill a few guards to get there.  We opened the door using the two keys and went down to the next level where we met some new orcs who said that we should go away because they were full and had no room for new arrivals, “level 2 Orcatraz for the level 2 Orcatrazians only”.  We gave them a traditional Orcish greeting which meant that we killed the lot of them and took their stuff.  Afterwards we found a cell block that was inhabited by the Hospitality Orcs whose attitude was “will feed you as long as you're not dickheads and try anything”.  We agreed we were not dickheads and settled down for a lovely traditional orchis dish.  As I was talking to the incredibly beautiful serving lady (almost near Pip Squeak levels of gorgeous, although that may be that anyone service Marius food is well looked upon) she informed me that the traditional Orcish way of saying thank you for your meal is to say “thank you, FUCK OFF”.  It’s always nice to understand the local customs and use the proper form of polite address and Marius will use this quaint form of appreciation going forwards as a way of remembering his time in Orcatraz and the wonderfully kind and patient people that we have met inside.

During dinner Bear discovered something important on this level.  The guards had a central control system with the master key to our shackles, through which they had been able to just send us instantly asleep.  We decided to attack this and release ourselves of the shackles to prevent the guards from being able to activate them thus sending us to sleep. 

We set off to do exactly this and came across a pair of guards by a campfire we offered them a drink and they accepted and gave us 20 minutes to warm ourselves by their beautiful camp fire, unfortunately Piper decided to throat slit one of them it didn't work very well because he was able to recover very quickly they were clearly much tougher on this level than the guards on the upper levels.  Although I am sure Piper was trying to do the right customary thing in the best Orcish tradition (and get a couple of quick throatslits ahead of Gurak)  they were clearly upset by this, perhaps they thought Piper was trying to culturally appropriate Orcish customs in a disrespectful way, and so they then set us all to sleep and confiscated all our weapons and alcohol.  One of the guards went off to get help while the other watched over us, unfortunately he was so busy gloating over us he didn't notice Bear invoking next to him, and so Bear killed him with a touch of death.  The other guard returned and started sending more of our party members to sleep but several of us were too far away for the effect to take hold and we ran away into the dark.  After much hiding in the woods and wandering around in the dark looking for each other we managed to get together and come up with a plan to take down this guard in an appropriately cultural manner.  We spread ourselves out so that the manacles couldn't all be activated at once, and then made our way slowly towards the campfire.  We managed to surprise the last guard and fucking killed him before he could do too much damage to us although Lyra did get slept again, curling up by the fire.

 

Proceeding further we came across the control tower where the key to our shackles was held. It was surrounded by many guards, far too many for us to takedown or rush in one go.  We had to come up with a plan and in the end we had a great one.  Marius was to be offered up as bait to the guards and they would chase him down.  Marius pointed out that this wasn’t a great idea but Beare said it was cultural and also that Strife was going to protect Marius by using a sanctuary.  While the guards were chasing Marius the others would Russian and remove their shackles, then when the sanctuary ran out Marius would use his teleport spell to get the fuck away from them.

The plan worked perfectly Marius was a brilliant distraction, managing to get away from the guards and draw them all off out of the room with a mixture of taunts and promises of what they could do to Marius with a pound of chilli infused butter the warden had said Marius needed to have with him in Orcatraz (to bake Marius a cake is presumably why).  After a while one of the guards got very annoyed with not being able to hurt Marius and went to invoke a really nasty spell, but since Marius didn’t intent to be around for long Marius decided that would be a someone else’s fucking problem [spoiler alert, it turned out to be Strife’s fucking problem].  While Marius was being magnificent as a real bone fide Orcish traditional distraction, the others went in and undid the shackles then decided to stay and fight the guards when they came back.  This was because they thought they would need to help Marius escape from the guards but Marius was too clever for the guards and managed to get away without the help from the rest of them.  However Marius does appreciate all the effort the others went through to make sure that Marius was safe even though it was not fucking useful.

Having killed the guards in a very tough and close fight and having removed all our shackles we went back to the hospitality cell block and rested for the night it was very late and we needed a good night's sleep because in the morning we would need to fight our weight to level 4 and we still hadn't reached Level 3.

 

DAY THREE

piper still had the key to the shackles so in the morning Gurak offered Piper around to help the other orcs get them off.

We now needed to get to Level 3 and Marius had a genius level plan this was developed with cultural assistance from strife Gorak and Bear.  The plan was:

1.  kill anyone on the way to the gate;
2. murder the guards at the gate;
3. kill anyone that tries to stop us on Level 3.

Strife paid this plan the ultimate compliment by not rolling on the floor laughing at the end of it.

Strife also made us more of his famous Orcish wild oats Pog for breakfast.  The recipe is use yesterday's pog, add milk, and water, and new creamy wild oats. Cook. Eat

 

We set off for the gate on the way we met some wonderful limpet goblins who wanted to give Lurgo and Piper a BIG hug.  They certainly went out with a bang.

I'm pleased to say that the rest of Marius's plan worked perfectly we murdered the guards to Level 3 and preceded on our quest to Kill Goreshanks Skullrotter.  On Level 3 we met Cuntface Ballshredder, Goreshanks chief recruiter.  He is a very loud, but nice Orc.  He gave us some missions that we needed to complete so as to impress Goreshanks.  He said if we completed two of them he would do us an introduction and if we did three of them he would do an introduction and put in a good word in for us so that Goreshanks wouldn’t kill us instantly. The missions were:

1. Retrieve some weapons from the Orcatraz riot containment squad
2. kill some murder trolls
3. burn all the prison paperwork
4. poison the resistance

 

The poisoning sounded boring so we took up the other missions.  Ballshredder also told us that we could use the weapons we rescued from the Orcatraz riot containment squad before we hand them in.  We set off to do exactly this heading up the hill which would take us to our first destination of the weapon containment area at the top of the hill we met members of the resistance to Goresshank they were very nice an agreed to launch a distraction raid upon our signal to draw off many of Goreshanks’ troops when we got the chance to get close to him to attack and kill him.  It was very nice of them to agree to do our bidding without us having to kill any of them first.

Firstly we found a base of operations for our upcoming missions and then got a hold of a map for the floor so that we would know where our targets were, When I say “we” I mean our super mole on the inside, Mawse, got it for us, she was so helpful!  We set off to earn the trust of Goreshanks first and so we decided to burn the records. These were guarded by a very fucking tough group of orcs and a black troll.  We managed to do great damage to the orcs but the black troll was wreaking havoc upon our group so Marius hit it with a shocking grasp six through his new weapon that he had taken from the confiscated item store on the first level, although he did wait until the troll had completed it’s traditional way of saying hello to Lurgo which involved burying him up to his neck in the earth then stomping on his head – after all one shouldn’t interrupt others important ethnic ceremonies just because one wants to kill a troll. 

The troll appreciated this a lot and indeed it seemed that a massive electrical shock to the head is a sign of great affection amongst trolls for the creature then chased after Marius in a most amorous and enthusiastic manner so Marius had to run around and around the buildings with that troll chasing it for quite some time and only stopped when Zzazzi said that he could as that troll had been killed 3 laps before.

We looked through all the prison records and found out prison charge sheets and sentencing documentation.  Some of the likenesses were very good, but they didn’t make  We then preceded to burn most of them though Marius kept his as a souvenir of this wonderful visit that he's having in Orcatraz.

 

Having a had a lovely fire, and rested a little to recover from our injuries (as well as to wait for Lurgo to escape from his entombment), we then proceeded to our second mission, which was to liberate the weapons store.  The weapons store was guarded by a huge group of very fierce and tough guards of course we gave them a traditional Orcish ceremony of “let's get them lads and beat the fucking shit out of them”.  Unfortunately they started to run away and lead us straight into a pair of murder trolls which was a mixed blessing as it saved us a bit of time finding the murder trolls after we'd liberated the weapons store because, well, we wanted to kill them anyway, but unfortunately it did mean that while we were busy trying to kill guards murder trolls were busy trying to murder us. This reminds me of a joke I heard in Orcatraz. 

Q. What has three legs and three arms?

A. Strife and Lurgo after meeting murder trolls!  Hahahaha.   

Murder trolls are fearsome creatures that can strike with the blows of nine men luckily Strife was able to cast some dark power on them (while he still had both arms) and lessen the fucking blow so that they wouldn't hurt Marius as much. Strife is generally a very nice person Marius enjoys his company a lot especially when he's standing between Marius and a murder troll. The murder trolls took an awful lot to kill and even when we thought we'd beat them into the ground they would fucking get up again and no matter what they did they seemed to always be fixing themselves. Even when correct chopped one of their arms off it just picked it up and put it back on again which was very funny to watch. Luckily at last we managed to pulverise them into such a small fucking paste that the thing stop fucking regenerated.

The riot control squad weapon store was guarded by a strange puzzle. A bunch of lights would flash in his particular sequence and we had to very swiftly repeat the sequence. If we got it right the door would open for a brief moment and allow one person to get in and rescue a weapon and bring it out again. We know it was only one person because after a while of watching Piper run in and retrieve a weapon at a time, the hunting instinct got too strong for Lyra and so Lyra scampered in with Piper, fetched a sword, and then only Lyra was let out again, Piper was stuck in there until we could open the door again.  Unfortunately the coloured light sequence was often very difficult to follow and so it took a long time to let her out again. The weapon store had many, many, weapons in it and it took a long fucking time to empty it out but at last the party headed back to their base of operations with Marius carrying all the weapons because Gurak told him to and when Gurak says for Marius to do something Marius does it - not because Marius is utterly terrified of Gurak as Gurak is very big and scary - no not at all, absolutely not, no.

We went back to Goreshanks men and they were very pleased with the work that we had been able to do and thus we had earned an introduction to Goreshank himself. They were also so pleased with our work they introduced us to one of the greatest Orcs that Marius has ever met, inside out out of Orcatraz, the Ice Cream Orc who brought us wonderful treats of shaved ice troll mixed with cream and chocolate which was absolutely delicious an especially welcome on a very very very hot day.

After our ice creams we were sent on our way to level 4.  The gate to level 4 was guarded by a set of very fearsome guards but Marius doesn't remember too much about them honestly they were boring much more fun was to go climb a tree and then pet the magic doggy person who had lots of water pouring from its’ mouth.  The funny green orc with the cuddly teddy Bear sat next to the doggy person and seemed to be looking to take care of it 'cause it didn't seem very well. Anyway when all the big people had finished being really boring with each other there were lots of dead guards. I guess it's their fault for being big meanies.

Through the gate we met Goreshanks himself. Goreshanks was the biggest orc that Marius has ever met, his muscles bulged from places that other Orcs didn’t have muscles.  He carried a massive axe and wore a very vicious and angry looking set of armour.  He ranted and raved at us and said we did a great job and how he was going to take over the world and had plans for subduing all the non Orcish peoples, luckily he was very accepting of Marius and Kuranes being there and didn't rip their heads off.

After a while it is ranting and raving he seemed to get a sudden case of constipation and grunted and groaned for a moment and then he seemed to be a very different Goreshanks. This Goreshanks told us that he had some evil spirit and embodied in him that had been whispering strange and nasty plans into his mind and that at first the spirit had come and gone but now it seemed to be a permanent inhabitant and Goreshanks wanted his own head back so that he could have some quality and uninterrupted Goreshanks time.  He had learned how to temporarily suppress the spirit so that he could make some plans to get rid of it, coming up with three possible solutions, which he helpfully listed for us.

1. kill Goreshanks then and there with the spirit in him which would drive the spirit out and then kill the spirit. Unfortunately Goreshanks was with many guards who were very loyal to him and if we had attacked him then in there they would have come running and probably tried to stop us. He also said that with the spirit in him he was incredibly mighty and would probably just rip us to shreds in moments, Bear thought this was a wonderful challenge and was keen for this idea.

2.  Get her good sphere priest to cast exorcism on him and drive the spirit out then we could beat the spirit up and Goreshanks and his men wouldn't need to be involved any further. Unfortunately none of our goods sphere casters could cast exorcism, and there were not many good sphere casters to be found in Orcatraz. Apparently it's not the sort of place that good people end up going to, although Marius found many lovely orcs in Orcatraz and think that more goods sphere casters should spend time there working with and working to understand these noble and honest folk who have simply slipped through the cracks of society to find themselves in such a situation.

3.  Get a caster of the necromantic sphere to drive the fucking spirit out because apparently working with dead undead spirits is what necromancers are useful for. Bear was less keen on this and gave us a good lecture as to why you don't do fucking necromancy or let fucking necromancers live, but we all agreed that this might be a workable plan as long as we Shanked the necromancer the second he finished his work. Luckily necromancers are the sort of people that end up in Orcatraz and there was one attached to a group of rebels nearby.

 

At this moment Kuranes (whom Marius is still very worried about for he does not seem to be coping at all well here) had an idea.  Drawing on his experiences with Sweetpea he suggested if Goreshanks could find true love there would be no room in his heart for an evil spirit.  This was an excellent idea and so we promptly offered Goreshanks our Zzazzi, and there was a definite chemistry there.  However we didn’t have time to wait for this romance to fully blossom, and so in the end we decided to go with the necromancer.  Haha we thought this sounds like a great fucking plan, what could possibly go wrong. 

 

 Given our friendliness with the rebels that we had already met we set off to talk to the fucking necromancer and ask him to help us.  However the fucking traitorous bastard had killed his rebel friends and raised them as undead abominations, and what was worse he wanted to do the same to us.  Marius will not recount all the very horrible things this necromancer did to poor Marius, but in involved a big stick and no butter.   However the rest of the party got full metal Orcist on his sorry arse, which Marius fully enjoyed watching from his perspective on his side fully paralysed.  Marius was cross at this as Marius didn’t even get to slay the one fucking zombie we got to meet on this trip.  Although not as cross as poor Gait who was very sorely put upon and needed an elixir.

 

Having captured the necromancer we persuaded the fucking bastard to do what we wanted, over a wonderful traditional Orcish dish of white worms and mystery meat sauce.  Marius found it very tasty and had seconds.  Then the team gobbled down a pair of huge spotted dicks and followed up with Marius’ white creamy mess (which Zzazzi said was nice but had a surprising hint of sour, as she was expecting it to be sweeter.)  Also there were slices of strawberries.

 

Satiated we embarked on our plan to destroy this fucking horrific spirit and to free poor Gorshanks.  Gorshanks was waiting for us and on the stroke of midnight (Orcatraz time) we entered the field to face this gross undead spirit. 

The necromancer held up to his side of the bargain and forced (via his awful fucking necromantic power) the fucking awful entity from Gorshanks.  There was a flash and a bang and then it all went a bit fuckity-fuck.  The fucking entity attacked us (to Strife’s utter delight) and received a fucking beatdown from him (Marius has never seen Strife enjoy himself so much as when he was fucking beating the shit out of that spirit until it was obliterated.)

We also did our part of the bargain and promptly shanked the fucking necromancer.

However Gorshanks, the fuckity fucker, fucking chose to fucking betray us and told his guards to fucking kill us.  WHAT A FUCKER!

Anyway it all went a bit big fuck-up and we had to run away strategically reposition ourselves, hiding tactically occupying in an abandoned building where we chose to keep the lights off and make no noise, planning in the morning to make a push for the sewers and freedom.   Thankfully Mawse laid a false trail to draw off Gorshanks forces and keep us hidden in a strong battlefield situation.  Though we did kill a bunch of those fuckers first.  Unfortunately they also elixered Zzazzi and only thanks to the incomparable Pipsqueak (she who’s lustrous emerald skin is like the sheen of duckweed on a pond when the sun comes out after a gentle spring shower) did we revive Zzazzi and make it out all together.

 

DAY FOUR

The night passed surprisingly peacefully and then in the morning we made for the sewers after more of Strifes fortifying traditional Orcish Pog (this one came with extra white worms).  Brave Kuranes led us into the shit, where we met some nasty sewer beasts where Marius contributed!  Then Zzazzi got us out again thanks to application of her giant strength to the exit grate.   There was a group of Orcs waiting for us, so we got to enjoy a last demonstration of the Orcish traditional trials of strength as we beat them up.  Bear and Gurak said it was okay for Marius to also be involved in these ethnic rituals so Marius engaged with their power caster for a while, but then Piper came up and slit his throat, which Bear agreed was a very Orcish thing to do, even if she didn’t kick the fucker in the balls first.  Marius isn’t sure what the final score between Piper and Gurak was though.

Also as our chances of survival aren’t good Marius includes here a letter that Kuranes wrote to Sweetpea in case we all die.  Marius includes it just in case something happens to Marius and this diary is all that is found.

“Dear Sweetpea

Haha ha ha.

It wuz a trik all along.

I’z really evil and kiled loadz.

Hahaha.

Kuranes.”

Marius would like to point out that it seems slightly different from the original letter that he most definitely didn’t read because Kuranes told him not to, which was much longer and more asking for forgiveness from Sweetpea.  Not that Marius knows that since he didn’t read it.   Also the handwriting bears [Bears] a striking resemblance to that of a certain other member of the party, but it must be true since it is written down and everything written down is true. 

 

Freedom! 

Nothing now between us and – oh fuck there was that fucker Goreshanks. 

It seems the fucking cunt couldn’t let things just fucking lie.  Something about leaving no witnesses, which, to be fair, had been our catch phrase through the holiday.

An almighty hoo-ha ensued, but Strife was so fucking scary they all ran away from him (he mumbled something about a “mass terror” or similar).  Then we hunted them down one by one and killed the fuckers until only Gorshanks was left with a couple of bodyguards.

Then Marius had the sweetest experience of Marius’ life so far, apart perhaps from meeting Pipsqueak, proposing to her, being reunited with his parents, finding out perfect Patrick (Marius’ no good brother) is indeed the cunt Marius always thought he was, the birth of our daughter (Pip Squeak and Marius, not Marius and his brother), and winning that pie eating contest

The wonderful group of Orcs with whom Marius had been privileged to accompany on this beautiful cultural experience allowed Marius to join in the cultural slaying of Gorshanks, the traitorous fucker.  Marius got to release his most mighty shocks into the fucking cunt, and then this wonderful group even allowed Marius the position of honour of finishing the fucker off with a true cultural shocking grasp to the head.  Marius loves you guys!

Strife was clearly still in a good mood from the previous day, since he even chose to leave one of Goreshanks men alive, minus an arm for souvenir purposes, on the promise that he would spread the word of the great Maw to all that he met (he could get a tee-shirt “I met a high priest of the Maw and all I lost was this arm”)

We had time for just one last cultural stripping the bodies of anything of value then we found the air mage who had teleported in to meet us during the fight and then bravely fucking hid, and he teleported us back to the Protectorate (we even waited for Kuranes and didn’t leave him behind, which Bear said would have been okay as it was cultural, but Strife seemed a bit fucking grumpy about it when Bear said that).

There we met with our contact and Agent Fux-love and gave them our report which they promptly burnt, covered the ashes in quick-lime and buried under a ton of cement. 

Marius even got a nice souvenir from his holiday which was a big spear that he used to romance that troll with the big shock.  Marius looks forward to using it on future missions.  Gurak picked himself up a pair of lovely new axes, Zzazzi an axe, Lyra a set of heavy armour, and a few others some lovely spangles, or piles of dragons.

 

Thank you for reading Marius’ report and FUCK OFF!

(But before you do – a massive thank you to Lex, Seb, and the entire monster crew who put on a brilliant event for us!  The amazing characters and memorable moments - Goreshanks, Ballshredder, the Necromancer, the quite honestly pants wettingly terrifying Black Troll, the murder troll putting his arm back on, Chasing Ian before he realised he had a weapon and then having to run away from him, running away from the trolls, running away from the prisoner orcs, running away from the necromancer (and straight into the Ghoul), counting my life and ending up on 1, 2, or 3 life several times, running away from the guards, the wonderful chase while under sanctuary with Ian hitting me several times then suddenly “Hang on, are you just pretending?”.  And of course the beautiful serving Orc teaching Marius how to politely thank an Orc for food (and hence starting the entire “Fuck” cascade).

Thank You All for a wonderful time!  Okay, now you can really Fuck Off.